Hardbodies (1984)

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Original Theatrical Release Date: May 4, 1984
Director: Mark Griffiths

When three older men come to the beach to score chicks, they learn fast that just because they have the money doesn’t mean they’ll be able to charm the ladies any easier. Seeing an opportunity, young beach-bum Scotty (Grant Cramer) offers to give the three men lessons in how to “dialogue” with women. They agree and frivolous partying ensues in true 1980’s fashion.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking – and, yes…this is one of those films.

Believe me, it's not all sunshine.

Yup, you guessed it.

There’s really nothing I can say that would justify this piece of 1980’s cinema, other than it may have been funny to someone, once. While watching, I wasn’t so much able to laugh as I was trying to figure out why it was labeled as a comedy. I guess if you can call three older dudes trying to score with a bevy of beautiful women funny, then this is it. Otherwise, it is basically the story of a ladies magnet trying to train a bunch of creepers to not be so creepy and rapey.

Most of the humor came from men being spurned in “hilarious” ways or from “ugly” jokes or from physical jokes. Aside from that, there were just a lot of boobs and man ass. (Obviously more boobs, though)

I wouldn’t really recommend this to anyone in particular. If you want the boobs, there are tons of them online and there are pornos out there with a better storyline. Aside from that, there are no real redeeming qualities about this. Revenge of the Nerds did it much better. Thanks, 1980’s.

JOE Rating: ★

Movie Trailer For Hardbodies

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Grand Theft Auto V (PS3 – 2013)

Grand Theft Auto V (PS3 - 2013)

Los Santos: A city that never sleeps, filled with botox, gangbangers and money. Lots and lots of money. As either Michael (A former wise-guy-turned informant), Franklin (A hustler looking to make some fat stacks and a better life) or Trevor (a violent psychopath with a meandering scale of justice and morality), you find yourself thrust into the biggest heists of your careers which could make or break you, depending on the roads you take.

Having played all the previous incarnations of the GTA series (Vice City being my favorite and San Andreas being my least favorite) I was pretty excited about playing this and bought it a day or two after it came out.

The story mode is great. A lot of missions are gun-n-run, but that was obviously expected. The graphics definitely got an overhaul, most noticeably with some of the environmental stuff. (Check out videos of the water graphics if you haven’t played the game yet).

The police seem to swarm faster and angrier in V than they did in previous incarnations – sometimes I find myself in a harrowing flight from death by trigger-happy police for the most minor infractions while they burst through parked vehicles with their armored vans and fire willy-nilly into the crowds trying to murder me in cold blood.

As in previous GTA games, there are a ton of mini-games. I haven’t tried them all out yet, but they are all kind of nifty to try at least once from what I’ve seen. As Michael, I played tennis with my wife for a good half hour of real time and it was fun. One of the most controversial mini-games, of course, is when you’re at the strip club and you’re trying to touch the strippers giving you a private lap dance without getting kicked out of the club. (FYI – might not want to play this particular mini-game in front of sensitive folks or children because the strippers are topless and it’s a first-person strip-club experience. Yup….big ol’ digital boobies on your massive flat-screen television. If your grandmother didn’t think your life was fail before, she will now).

GTA V Online launched already, of course, and it has been riddled with lots and lots of problems. At first, I just couldn’t get on and then after that, I could get on but my character wouldn’t save and I couldn’t rob stores or do missions so those of us on the map just ran around killing each other with sheer boredom. After that, they finally got the game at least somewhat functioning so now I can join missions and complete robberies, but the kinks aren’t all worked out yet and there are still griefers out there so watch yourself if you go on. I had a whole squad of them following me around, trying to kill me for at least an hour.

Without even taking GTA: Online into consideration, I’d give the game the score below. They packed so much into the game that it will honestly give you hours and hours of enjoyment. The sheer amount of variety earns this game a five star from moi, despite its faults, which are minor against the entirety of the game experience. Add to that the extra depth of the online mode once they get the kinks out, and it’s just a mind-numbing amount of time one could spend playing it.

JOE Rating: ★★★★★

Dead Or Alive 5 (PS3 – 2012)

Dead Or Alive 5 - PS3 (2012)

The Dead or Alive crew is back in an all-new installment that features MMA fighting techniques blended with the same old Dead Or Alive style we’ve seen in the past. Take on the role of some of your old favorites like Lei Fang, Jann Lee or Gen Fu – or try out some of the newcomers from the Virtua Fighter series such as Brad Wong or Eliot.

Each level comes to life with interactive environments which you can use to your advantage in the right situations. Multiple unlockable outfits and some unlockable characters round out the replayablilty factor while online modes and a robust story mode should keep you entertained for a long while.

Everything I love about this game franchise was still there in this incarnation. The fighting system is still the same as the one found in Dead Or Alive 4, with the “paper, rock, scissors” style mechanics. Button mashers will have a tough time duking it out with more skilled gamers due to this, but the game doesn’t have a massive learning curve.

The graphics are amazing, as usual. Fabric flows, animals move around, sweat glistens as your characters exert themselves and hats fly off heads with strong blows.  The music and sound effects were decent enough, too.

The only thing I didn’t really like about this was that the story mode was a little bit incoherent, but it’s in the same way that a lot of Japanese animation feels. It’s chaotic, you’re not QUITE sure what exactly is going on and then WHAMMO – you finally get it. It didn’t really detract a whole lot from my experience, however.

This installment focuses less on the T&A that first drew attention to the series, although that aspect is definitely still present in the form of constantly-jiggling boobage – and make no mistake, the updated facial models and graphics have the characters looking better than ever. And for ladies who appreciate some man-skin, there are also unlockable outfits for the male characters, as well.

All in all, this is a great title and probably one of the best entries into the Dead Or Alive franchise. Learning the game’s nuances is fun and never tedious. The fights and characters are flashy and likable, and the kinetic pace will have you coming back for more. Hands down my favorite fighting game, ever.

JOE Rating:  ★★★★★

Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

Original Theatrical Release: May 16, 2013
Director: J. J. Abrams

It seems that Captain James T. Kirk (Chris Pine) of the USS Starship Enterprise has a hard time reeling in his rule-breaking habits. When he breaks the Prime Directive to save the life of his friend and crew member, Spock (Zachary Quinto) the ship is handed back to Captain Pike (Bruce Greenwood), the ship’s original captain. When it seems that Kirk still has a lot of learning left to do, he pulls together when a Starfleet secret emerges to unravel the entire government in a play for revenge in the form of a one-man army, Khan (Benedict Cumberbatch) – but all might not be as it seems.

This movie is essentially a remake of Star Trek II: Wrath Of Khan but there are enough differences that it’s really only the same due to some characters and plot themes. If you’ve seen the original, you may prefer it to this newer incarnation but who knows.

The movie opens with a scene you’d probably find in a Star Wars movie, so I think JJ Abrams has his Star Wars cap on right now in anticipation of the 2015 films. With that being said, I think the same holds true for this second installment as held true for the previous Star Trek film from 2009 – some Trekkies may take issue with the fact that it feels more like Wars than Trek. However,  Into Darkness still has a lot to offer, especially for people like me who didn’t get into the original Star Trek films as much.

My major issues with the film were mostly some spots where terrible acting and some bad sound effects detracted from the action and story. Peter Weller had a terrible scene where I was just laughing because of how ridiculous he sounded during a rant. Also, one fight sequence on a ship made it seem like Abrams was using sound effects left over from Kevin Sorbo’s Hercules television series.

Other than that, some of the character interactions seemed a bit forced and tired, such as the Uhura/Spock dynamic, which I know they threw in because they needed a solid love story (because Kirk’s weird, borderline-bestiality womanizing isn’t enough)…but the dynamic isn’t exactly working because Uhura seems to just let her emotions overtake her while Spock, of all people, does the same – illogical. I was giving it a chance to work after Star Trek from 2009, but it just doesn’t feel right.

Alice Eve as Carol was very appealing to the eye, but her character is really just a plot device. I’m not going to complain about an underwear scene featuring her, other than that it seemed just thrown in there for sexuality’s sake and nothing else. Aside from her role as a plot device and as eye candy, she was pretty useless as a character.

All in all, this was a fun movie. Very good visually (aside from an entire scene with JJ Abrams’ signature lens flare blocking out the characters talking to one another) and I think Benedict Cumberbatch’s acting was the best part of the film. He made a damn good villain, for sure. (Also much less goofy-looking than his predecessor from Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan – though they should have used an Indian actor for the role in this one, as much as I like Cumberbatch)

Star Trek: Into Darkness is not the worst Star Trek film I’ve seen, by any means, but it could have performed a little better. Still, it’s fun for a night out at the movies and I don’t regret seeing it.

JOE Rating: ★★★

Movie Trailer For Star Trek: Into Darkness

Date Movie (2006)

Date Movie (2006)

Original Theatrical Release: February 17, 2006
Director: Aaron Seltzer, Jason Friedberg

Julia Jones (Alyson Hannigan) is feeling like she will never find someone. Her multi-ethnic parents (Eddie Griffin and Meera Simhan) want her to marry Nicky (Judah Friedlander) but Julia doesn’t want to resort to being with someone she doesn’t love. In comes the dashing Grant Funkyerdoder (Adam Campbell) and she feels like she has met the man of her dreams, but first she has to overcome the schemes of his gorgeous best friend and former lover, Andy (Sophie Monk), who has never quite let him go.

These types of movies generally have been overdone. The first Scary Movie or two were great, but some others (Dance Movie) were just terrible. This is somewhere in between.

Next to Not Another Teen Movie, which I think is a lot better, the jokes in Date Movie generally work but most are considered too lowbrow to have any real staying power. There are some genuine laughs to be had, especially if you “get” this kind of humor (or maybe are a terrible person like I am). There’s a scene where Julia and Grant are out on a date and they “romantically” beat up a bum together and take what meager possessions he has. That’s the kind of stuff you’re going to find in this flick. However, some of the gags fall flat and don’t even live up to the original source material, much less surpass it.

They riff on films like Hitch, Napoleon Dynamite, Kill Bill and more…and that’s kind of where this movie fails. Not because they didn’t do a good job riffing on those films, but because it would have been more successful if they had just stuck to riffing on actual date movies like Hitch and Sleepless In Seattle. That’s why Not Another Teen Movie is so much better. They stuck with their premise.

Hate it. Love it. I think it’s okay, and not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It’s worth watching just to see Judah Friedlander and Alyson Hannigan, for sure.

JOE Rating: ★★★

Movie Trailer For Date Movie